I seem to only blog when I’m sad
So, at the moment , my blog is empty.
Because , I’m not sad (:
But I am confused.
So, dearly, awfully confused.
I can’t say why, because apparently , people read this now-
if you’re reading this, I’m fine 
But I’ll surely keep you posted,
love ya’ll
xx
Yesterday I seriously very nearly posted this, obviously a better, edited version, but I do preliminary’s so you can get the idea from this one.
Isn’t it funny how things have changed.
I think I have realised that he is actually a dick-head, cunting faggot, & that people out there love me,
however,
I still would (have) love (d) things to work out …
Wonder if the invite still stands for going to his on Saturday night, god knows what would happen….
But of course we all want to know, don’t we followers,
after all,
everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?
Anyhow, the post, here it is.
I guess it’s kind of funny now…
______________________________
How I could allow myself to be hurt like that, again, I do not know.
But here I am.
On my bed.
Empty pill bottle beside me,
sent three desperate txts,
apoligising,
you sent none in return.
I feel like dying.
Yet I have to comfort my friend who id feeling the smae thing.
I can admit this, I am depressed.
I don’t know how & I don’t know why.
All I know is if you read this you would laugh at me & my misfortune.
But it’s all because of you prick.
& the worst bit is,
if you asked me to come over tomorrow, I would be there.
Right away.
___________________________
Insane shit.
However true…
I’m getting better,
because things can’t stay bad forever.
xx
a mess.
dead inside.
always.
still waiting,
still waiting.
I havn’t always, but I do now.
I have always, & do now.
I always change my mind,
it can’t be made up.
I used to find beauty in everything,
I see beauty in nothing.
Because I am a nothing.
A husk, a once was, a used to be, a could have been.
I’m just weird.
Nobody likes weird,
Even I don’t like myself.
Even I don’t like myself.
I see beauty in nothing.
Who I am right now,
who I am anymore.
Who I’m going to be,
who I have been.
But oh, I’m so confused.
You don’t want me for anything.
Clearly you do.
Clearly you do.
I think,
just maybe,
I do.
I do want you,
I know it now,
I do.
I don’t know why.
Really, you’re nothing special.
18-going-on-druggie.
You’ll never be there,
I always will.
Can you see this working?
Becuase I sure don’t.
The oddest thing is I don’t care.
If you want me for sex,
thats fine.
I don’t mind.
Non-committal,
that’s fine.
I don’t mind.
I don’t mind.
I don’t mind I don’t mind I don’t mind.
Becuase for now,
all I want is you.
In your squalor & brilliance,
all I need is you.
I need you.
I don’t feel like talking now,
but I feel like talking always,
I don’t feel like talking now,
you feel like talking always.
But it’s not.
It’s not love.
I love no-one & nothing.
I don’t love you.
I don’t know if I can let you,
have me.
All of me.Because ,
there is this doubt in my mind.
That you will leave.
& I,
again,
a crumpled heap of ‘once was‘ , & ‘could have been’.But nothing.
I am a nothing.If I am a nothing,
how can I give you my everything?Because, I know,
you want it.Because, I know,
you want me.& that, is one of the best feelings in the world.
So why,
am I feeling so upset, confused, angry, sad, nervous.“Is that all you want me for? Sex?“
“I like you for company”
I will not be ‘company’.
I will not be ‘sex’.
I just need to know you’re there.
I just need to know you’re going to care.
Because where I’ve come from,
is somewhere I don’t want to go back to.
It’s too cold.
Too lonely.
Too dangerous.
“Take these girly arms, & ever keep me”
But I don’t think you can.
& I don’t think you will.
But,
I think,
I will.
Because I just need,
so dearly,
to be loved.
To be the only one that counts.
But I never am.
So why would things change for me now?
xx
If I were to stop eating,
how long would it take,
for me,
to fade away.
I tried,
for a day,
then for two,
the third my mother noticed,
but took no action.
Now the forth,
no food,
no pain.
The brain is a marvellous thing.
It will lock out these things,
which you do not want to feel.
It can replace one emotion with another,
hunger, is happiness, success, triumph.
Emotions are mixed.
But with everything falling around me,
how much longer can I stay in the rubble,
helping the ones I love,
before I get killed also.
The forth day,
three meals have passsed by my mouth.
Things will not get better.
Decisions get harder,
but more straightforward.
Stakes get higher,
life or death.
How much longer can we all continue like this.
xx
